Every time I've adopted a kitty, I've been so excited to tell everyone about them. My heart bursting with love, fear, and anxiety about being in charge of their well being.

Last month we brought Smokey home. There was love, fear, and anxiety, but the overwhelming feeling was grief and guilt.

Grief about all the circumstances that led to that moment driving back to Maddox Cove on dark roads. Grief about the grief I knew another soul was feeling. Crying for their pain. Worrying about them. Second guessing it. Wondering if we could have done things differently.

Guilt about all this, and no way of explaining to the little kitty was happening. Only to tell him it was because he was loved beyond measure. I said sorry over and over as I cried.

There's been no excited picture posted. No asking friends to celebrate. Just tears and pain. Fear of sharing photos and causing more pain.

But there is a new tiny panther at the shoe. I always dreamed of showing Smokey my windows. I grieved for a long time when he first came to NL that he would not see out the windows. But never, in a million years, would I have wanted him to see out them because of these circumstances.

But he's here. Nights exploring the basement and sleeping with Calvin. Days sitting in the loft and looking out towards the ocean & birds.

Johnny & Taylor aren't snugglers. Smokey is. It takes me off guard that I can pick him up, bury my head in his fur, and he will give me a little head butt in return. It's also taken me off guard just how much he wants to be close by to humans. He was alone for 12 hours a day often. Here he wants to be beside you as you work, game, read, or cry on the couch.

His appetite, nausea, and bathroom routines keep me on my toes daily. Agonizing if I should take him in to the vet or tweek things one more time. We knew he would need to be monitored moving forward, and it's something I know well, but the constant high alert means I've started searching for ways to regulate my nervous system because I know this could continue for years.

He's seen Johnny & Taylor and I think there's been progress. Taylor comes closer to the pet gate and Smokey hisses less. We aren't rushing it. There's no place for him to go next if this fails. We have to get this right.

I guess this is my announcement. On a blog I don't think people read anymore. Smokey is back with me. I love him so much. It's cost so much personally that I still can't look at him and feel happy, but he’s here in my care.

And I have so much love with nowhere to go. So even if it hurts, he's going to feel loved and know I will do everything in my power to keep him safe.