I'll never forget my doctor asking a question that quite likely led to him saving my life:
"How often do you think about killing yourself?"
As I said in my first blog after being diagnosed, I was slightly annoyed when he asked me that question.
What I didn't realize at the time was how crucial it was to him understanding that I needed serious help, because at that point in my life, I'd forgotten what it felt like to want to be alive.
That fall, I was constantly daydreaming about death. Actively making an effort to not kill myself in ways I was thinking about at any given moment in time, no matter where I was. After years of rapid cycling, I'd slipped into a depression that lasted so long I'd forgotten how to see the world in colour. I stopped driving on Marine Drive, wouldn't go near cliffs by myself, and often called people to keep my eyes focused on the road but distracted enough to not swerve into despair.
At the time, I was living with what is known as suicidal ideation without plans.
But there have been other points in my life that have been much different. I’ve been suicidal with plans. There's the time my sister spent two weeks sleeping on my bedroom floor because she'd witnessed one of my darkest moments in the middle of the night. The time my sister in law rushed over to confiscate every pill in the house. The time Len witnessed when I was alone in the shoe that I still can't talk about. The time I received news at the end of December and my friend physically restrained me as I screamed that I needed to end it all. And most recently, there was the day deep in the middle of isolation where I woke up and felt as though I was dying. A feeling I've never had before or since. That night I knew I wanted to end it. And I will spare the graphic details, but how close I came still washes over me every so often.
All those times, and other times I won't mention, I was suicidal with active plans. Sometimes they were written down and meticulously thought out. Other plans were impulsively made in hypo-mania and my friends saved me before it was too late.
I've been fairly open about my struggles with wanting to end my life and suicidal ideation, but it hasn't always been this way. In fact, I hid it more growing up than people have any idea. And let me tell you, some people thought I was crazy. Some whispered it behind my back and others said it to my face. But little did they know how much more I kept buried and how terrified I was of my own mind.
There are times that stand out to me as knowing I should keep silent.
Whe someone told me I didn't have the guts to kill myself, I decided that it meant I was weak if I talked about it and didn’t follow through. In addition to not wanting to be alive, I despised myself for staying alive thinking it meant I wasn’t strong.
When I heard friends whispering about someone who threatened to kill themselves and saying that it was all for attention, I decided they would say the same thing behind my back so it was important they not realize I was feeling that way.
Years ago when I called someone fearful that a suicidal friend was going to go through with it and the person on the other end of the phone sounded annoyed because it was happening AGAIN, I decided nobody wants to help a second time around.
And perhaps one of the responses that silenced me the most was-- 'What do you expect me to do about it?" I decided that people don’t want the burden of listening.
Have you ever heard people talk about someone threatening suicide and think it's just for attention? I will admit that even though I’m someone who struggles A LOT with wanting to end my life-- I've even thought things like that. It’s something we’ve learned without even realizing it.
Over the years I've come to understand that people who talk about ending their life are sometimes coming from a place of suicidal ideation on the cusp of making plans. A space where all one can think about is ending life. A space where help is desperately needed. And as a society, we often dismiss it as not being serious enough.
But it IS serious. A person is sick and they need treatment. Even if they have no active plans, they are mentally unwell enough to voice their thoughts which means help is needed. They want an end to the mental anguish. This is when understanding, resources, medication and therapy is SO important.
Whether or not they go through with it, there is a sickness that needs to be treated. And left untreated it could cost a life. Instead, many aren't taken seriously before it's too late because they aren’t see as sick enough. That’s when the whispers and rumours have a tendency to start.
And because of that, many take their lives without ever uttering a word they are depressed. Especially men. I used to be angry that people called me emotional all the time, but many men do not feel the freedom to even be emotional. Instead, they hear the words of "attention seeking, weak, crazy, mental" and bury it inside without ever feeling like they can reach out. And when it's said lightly and without thought that a person "doesn't have the courage" to take their life, I often wonder if men think that suicide is the strong option.
I don't think taking your life is weak, but it absolutely takes massive amounts of strength to keep on living in the face of wanting to die and the humiliation of people knowing that fact.
Can you imagine not being able to think about anything else than an end to anguish? Can you imagine being so depressed the world just looks grey and foggy? Can you imagine seeing people around you with more energy in one day than you can imagine having in a year? Can you imagine hearing that you are attention seeking when all you want is help?
How we talk about mental health in the presence of others often dictates how people in our circles feel about getting help. I became so ashamed about the ideation in my brain. I knew I couldn’t talk about it often.
We use our language so flippantly and casually without stopping to think about the cost.
Our narrative around suicide is dangerous from so many fronts that I struggle with knowing how to tackle it all. I wrote about it once when a local journalist took their life, because the language in the aftermath of tragedy matters just as much.
What also needs to be addressed is those who worry that if they disclose their suicidal ideation, people will want to rush them to a hospital or won’t trust them to be alone. That worry can lead to people never disclosing they are sick which means they never get help. For someone who has suicidal ideation, they might need help but not an emergency response. However, if they are worried about an emergency response— they may never reach out for help at all. There needs to be a space to talk about treatment, coping, managing, and emergency response.
September is Suicide Prevention Month.
People often say well meaning things like ‘If you ever want to talk— just reach out!” Which is very kind, but rarely do people reach out when it’s needed most. I would challenge those people to also think about how they talk about suicide and suicidal ideation when they see it in people they don’t like or believe.
Do you make fun of mentally unwell people around friends? Do you say things online that make light of mental illness? There may be people in your company that you have no idea are struggling, but are listening and deciding whether they trust you enough to ask for help.
Suicide prevention isn’t just saying suicide is sad and posting a helpline phone number.
Suicide prevention is understanding mental illness in the living.
Suicide prevention is actively working to change what you think about mental health.
Suicide prevention is believing that mental health is JUST as important as physical health. Because just as a small infection can worsen without antibiotics which leads to complications, and sometimes death, so can an untreated mental illness lead to ideation and death.
Do you think therapy is just as important as medication?
Do you believe that medication for the brain is just as important as it is for something like diabetes or a heart condition?
Do you believe that someone who talks about suicide but never goes ahead with it is crying wolf?
Please be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. Challenging your own bias and beliefs is important. I’m guilty of many things I discuss and probably still am. But we have to be okay confronting things we’ve learned and decide to do better.
In fact, they might save a life without you even knowing.
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A special thanks here to all my friends, Len, Johnny, therapist, POPC, people on twitter, and family who have helped save my life many times over.