I keep asking myself how to write it so people won't judge. I want to write, because that's how I process, but people will judge or be scared of me.

In the end, I don't think there is any way to talk about it and be safe from judgement.

So many people are watching the Lindsay Clancy coverage. And I'm not going to tell anyone how to feel or think. The trial is completely broadcasted. You can watch live as though you are a member of the jury.

What I can say is that the case has forced me to once again face the reality of my illness. Face how many times I've withheld from psychiatrists because they scare me. How many times I've weighed the pros and cons of being open. It's forced me to face the darkest possibilities and have tearful conversations with Calvin about when he should step in. It's made me rethink every symptom I don't like to talk about. It's forced me to rethink my extreme hesitation to medication changes. It's reaffirmed my decision to not have children no matter how much it breaks my heart.

This case has highlighted needs, gaps, judgments, and so much more. I hope it changes the system to provide better mental healthcare for new mothers.

For me, it's made me think long and hard about responsibility & accountability when you're aware you're sick. What I'm obligated to disclose even when I'm nauseous opening up to a stranger in a 50 minute appointment where no trust has been earned. What I owe people when my suicidal ideation is so frightening I'm gasping for air even though people keep telling me 'they would never guess.'

I have responsibility and remain bound to accountability. Especially because I have seen what can happen in worst case scenarios.

This case has ripped me wide open.

And you can think she should go to jail instead of a hospital. I won't try to persuade you one way or another. Not because I don't care, but because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle the conversation. Just please don't assume you know what I think.

But I want to remind you that if you talk about this case with others-- almost every person you know with a mental illness is listening. (And you might not know they are even living with one.) Every mother is likely listening to your opinions about postpartum.

With that, I'll say:

Bless lamotrigine

Shout out to lithium

EFF seroquel, but begrudgingly, it does its job (for me.)

And with every fiber of my being, thank you to the moon and back to my therapist. I owe him my life.