I told myself that I needed to get over how painful it is to see Smokey and just go see him and take him outside. So yesterday I did just that. It went well. He was nervous, but I thought overall he was happy.

"This is good." I told myself. It would be our special thing. Something that kept us bonded and would be fun for us both.

Today we took him to a different park. He meowed less than yesterday. But towards the end he tried to escape. I saw him backing out of the harness and knew he had to be stopped immediately. I grasped him tightly as he tried to get free. He scratched and bit me. I yelled for Calvin to help. Somehow I managed to hold on and get him in his carrier.

He's settled. He was given lots of treats and returned to George's apartment.

I cried the entire way home. My mind flooding with the "if onlys."

If only I had told myself he could have a good life with me before my parents moved.

If only Mo hadn't been so violent I decided to take on a fourth cat.

If only I hadn't thought George would only adopt a cat under no other circumstances.

If only I hadn't convinced myself that he helped my father's mental health.

If only he was mine. I always thought he would end up with me again.

By tonight it will be time to push it all deep down again.

I'm still so lonely sometimes I feel like I will vomit. Desperately wanting to feel like anything I do matters.