At least I washed my face. I don't usually do that in this state.

As I brushed my teeth I asked myself if having a baby would ease the dispair and emptiness. I shoved away the thought. The entire point is not giving another human my brain. And that's not even addressing the likelihood we can't have them without help. My heart and empty womb ached once again at accepting for the millionth time I won't be a mother.

He doesn't like going out to eat. I've accepted that, I think. I knew it before. But it hit me last week that it really is silly to make up in my head that he somehow appreciates food a little now and sometimes likes it. I have to remember he feels that way about coffee too. It's been more noticeable lately.

It's weird. Fading away.

I made it to 8 before crawling into bed.

Something is wrong with my eyelids.They've been getting more and more painful. I'm fighting back tears now and it feels like alcohol on an open wound on my eye lids. Not sure how to fix that.